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baby

Last post 06-27-2009 9:08 AM by journyingonthepath. 20 replies.
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  • 06-16-2009 5:49 PM

    • azores
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 01-30-2009
    • West Coast
    • Posts 121

    baby

    Roller coaster ride. A month before pregnancy I began pursuing birth control options. Before I knew it, I was pregnant! In shock & anger, I did not welcome the pregnancy. About an hour after finding out, my families joy for a new birth overwhelmed me with strength, determination and love. I wanted this baby, and shared the news of our pregnancy with nearly everyone. For the first time in my life, I am left with the uncomfortable job of telling everyone we lost a pregnancy.

    I spent more time daydreaming in these last couple of weeks than I did in my last two pregnancies combined. I told my husband how I'd never experienced such sheer joy in pregnancy before. For the first time in our lives, stability wasnt a concern so I could breathe easy.

    I told my best friend a few minutes after finding out I was pregnant, that I wouldnt be devastated if I happened to lose this baby since I felt I could not handle another child physically or financially. I feel so guilty over saying that, its as if I doomed myself into losing this baby with all of those awful first feelings.

    I dont know if I want to go through this again, but I do. I fell so in love with this 7 week baby, such a short time. I already went bassinet shopping. I already put all the kids sleeping on a nightly schedule in their own rooms in preparation. I took my vitamins everyday, something I never did in previous pregnancies.

    I had feared something was wrong since I did not have any nausea. A few days before the spotting began, I noticed I no longer had pregnancy symptoms except for a missing period. Wow, humans are amazing. So back & forth, I am a Libra afterall. I am in awe of myself, this experience has humbled me. I really have no control.

    I wont try preventing another pregnancy, and I'll take my vitamins everyday for myself now. To the women that endure multiple loses, I am amazed at your strength. I felt like crumbling, and sometimes still do. It's only been two days, I wonder what the future holds. I wont take the gift of life for granted, ever again. My hormones are loopy. What's strange is still being in love with my loss, I dreamed of a little girl playing alongside Maia. 

    It is what it is, thanks for letting me vent.

  • 06-16-2009 7:28 PM In reply to

    • midwifea
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 02-12-2009
    • Kailua Kona, HI
    • Posts 475

    Re: baby

     

    I am so sorry Cass,

    sending you healing and

     

    Blessings,
    April
    moderator

    "The Voice

    There is a voice inside of you
    That whispers all day long,
    "I feel this is right for me,
    I know that this is wrong."
    No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
    Or wise man can decide
    What's right for you--just listen to
    The voice that speaks inside."
    — Shel Silverstein
  • 06-16-2009 8:19 PM In reply to

    Re: baby

    I'm so sorry...my thoughts are with you.

  • 06-16-2009 10:08 PM In reply to

    Re: baby

     Cass, so sorry to hear about your loss.  It is amazing how in love you are with a baby so soon.  Grieve, and absorb the love and support flowing your way.  Blessings to you and your family  Warmly,  Claudia

    claudia

    Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A Heinlein
  • 06-17-2009 5:40 AM In reply to

    Re: baby

     

    Oh Cassandra, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Wish I could hug you across the miles, but know you are in so many of our prayers and are loved.  Treat yourself gently and don't set any limits on how soon you "should be over this" - it's going to take time and a whole wide range of emotions, and only you will know when you are truly healed.  There is no "should".  Isn't it amazing how breath-takingly in love we can fall with our little ones so quickly!  Know for certain that she felt every drop of love you have for her, every bit. 

    With love and prayers,

    Aron

    Blessings,
    Aron

    "I AM NOT CRAZY - it's just that my situation seems to require a crazy person."
  • 06-17-2009 7:14 AM In reply to

    Re: baby

    I'm so so sorry dear! Of course you loved your wee one, how did the actual process go? Are you OK?

    One of the most saddest things I have endured was my loss, but I also marveled at my body in doing what it needed to do, you know?!

    Thinking of you!

     

    Mary

  • 06-17-2009 10:01 AM In reply to

    Re: baby

    (((HUG)))! I'm so sorry...my heart hurts for you! Praying for you
  • 06-17-2009 1:00 PM In reply to

    • RobsGirl
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 02-04-2009
    • Mid-Hudson Valley, NY
    • Posts 364

    Re: baby

    Tears for you Cass.  Hugs and tears with you.  I too am praying for you.

    RobsGirl, 31
    Wife of one fabulous guy (34)
    Mommy of 3 awesome boys, ages 11, 8, and 4, and a precious 2 year old daughter.


  • 06-17-2009 1:20 PM In reply to

    Re: baby

    Cass,

    Sorry, to read about your loss here.  I'm with what the others said to you here.

  • 06-18-2009 12:44 PM In reply to

    • azores
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 01-30-2009
    • West Coast
    • Posts 121

    Re: baby

     Thank you ladies. Mary, be sorry you asked...very sorry Embarrassed just playing xo

    It was a surreal ordeal. Tyler my youngest got food poisoning from eating raw pork on Friday. Saturday he threw up all day, bm's were fine. Saturday when I wiped, a light pink residue on the tp. I wasn't  alarmed since my last two pregnancies had persistant bleeding. Sunday morning comes and I'm very sick with diarrhea but no vomiting, Tyler is throwing up but not as often.

    I was fatigued and highly irritable all day Sunday until evening when I went to bed early with an intense migraine. I let the boys tear the house up since I couldnt not control anything. At this point the diarrhea came about every 10 minutes and bright red blood appeared. The diarrhea was like water, never experienced that before. Constant intense stomach/abdomen cramps, I still wasnt too worried about the bleeding and chalked the pain up to the diarrhea. Then multiple blood clots, then heavier bleeding and I knew I was losing the baby. I was hopeful however, that maybe it was just a fluke like the few hundred other times during my last two pregnancies. The difference however were the heavy clots, and the quickly increasing flow. Then I gave up the toilet and squatted on a towel, my body felt like I gave birth but only saw clots. While I was on the towel, I realized it was really happening. I locked the door and the kids banged on the door, I yelled at them to go to bed. I wept from deep within my gut, I called my husband and pleaded he would come home. Dh couldnt leave, and asked me to hold on he would come as soon as he could.

    I went to bed, and felt feverish. I had my three year old Connor bring me water from the sink, then my two year old intercepted and spilled it all over the floor..twice. Tyler then threw handfulls of legos at me while I lay in bed. It was awful. Connor was sweet and tried regulating as best as he could, poor fella.

    Then I nursed Tyler to sleep, which made my hormones jitter. Dh came home and asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. No way I said. We went to sleep, sort of. In the early am, Connor began throwing up. Tyler was peachy keen, full of energy! I decided I had to go to the hospital, I felt horrendous. I left Pete who slept maybe two hours after a 12 hour shift to care for the boys.

    I drove myself to the hospital then waited for two hours before being seen. The Dr immediately said I was dehydrated and put me on IV fluid, which brought my temp down to 97 degrees. They did an internal scan and couldnt find anything but clots. I was sent home, happily I rushed off to see my family. On the way I home I wailed.

    My illness resumed along with Connor, though very different symptoms. I stumbled to the bathroom in a zombie state. Stood up and flushed without checking the toilet like I had previous times. I caught a glimpse of my teeny baby, I swiped to try to get it but it was too late. I felt stunned, stupid and beaten. I went back to bed and repeated to myself, "It is what it is, there is nothing I can do. Get over it, get better and take care of the kids I do have!"

    I had a complete mental breakdown which I chalk up to hormones, I felt I needed to be boxed up. I injured my pet bird without meaning to, which made me go lock myself up and had my dh come home. Seriously, I went looney. It wasnt depression, it was more like Psychosis.Thank GOD, I didnt hurt my family...my poor bird lost every single tail feather. I was wearing rubber gloves because I was washing dishes. My male cockatiel was being super loud (mating call) in the middle of the night, I didnt want him to wake the kids. I wanted to place him in the other cage away from the female. Usually he hops on my hand, but he was in heat which makes him intensely aggressive and territorial. So I went to grab him, but he got away...in what felt like a half a second, all of his tail feathers were left in my hand. I could not believe it and went into shock. He didnt cry out and seemed fine, but I felt like I had ripped my bird in half. He didnt bleed or anything, but it couldnt have felt good. I now realize, that wouldnt have happened if I didnt have on rubber gloves.

    Needless to say, it was the most horrible week in recent memory. My mind is more stable now. I'm having a difficult time handling anything gooey, because I keep having to second look to make sure its not the baby dangling off of my fingers...litterally, going crazy.

    Now that I know I am predisposed to Psychosis, I'm afraid to have another child and may get on birth control asap. I can only imagine how I would handle the stress of another high risk pregnancy, or late term loss. The kids I do have wouldnt have the mom they know. I need to wait, years.

    Yes, my amazingly personal scary story. The treatment I've discovered that helps is pampering myself. Spending time at home with the kids as though we were vacationing, helps a lot.

    Although this is rather humiliating to admit, I realize if I dont admit it I will feel like I'm hiding something... that is a shove in the wrong direction.

  • 06-18-2009 2:50 PM In reply to

    Re: baby

    Oh Honey!  I'm sorry you're feeling that bad!  (((HUGS))) 

    I will tell you, a loss is not an easy thing to go through.  I've been there.  It's going to take a while before you feel better, let alone "normal."  Traumatic things manifest in odd ways...you can't handle gooey things right now, but it will get better.  After my c-sec I couldn't cut chicken for ages, but I can now. 

    Enjoy the time at home with your kidlets...they will help you get through this.

  • 06-18-2009 9:20 PM In reply to

    Re: baby

     

    Cass,  I want you to know that the feelings you are having are not unusual.  It is amazing to me how in tune with yourself and articulate you are.  Don't let those dark feelings scare you[it is pretty scary!] you are not going to do anything bad..  I know you already know that there is nothing you did or didn't do to cause this loss.  You are right about giving yourself a little vacation.  Get out of the house and into the outdoors.  throw some pbj sandwiches and a bottle of water in a poke and go.  Find some things to occupy the kids.  [hunt rocks,bugs,leaves,as many kinds as you can] 
    Engaging with the kids gets your mind off your thoughts.  Just let it be for a while.  You will be better by and by.  You have really been on my mind but I don't know when to call you.  Love Claudia

    claudia

    Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A Heinlein
  • 06-19-2009 7:09 AM In reply to

    Re: baby

    Oh sweetie, your post is made up of things from a nightmare. I'm sorry you lost your baby in the mix of everyone being so sick. I can't imagine.

     

    Your dark and scary thoughts are just that, the mind sometimes gets "wonky" when there are high stress levels...you are a strong and wonderful mother, in touch and in tune. You will heal, body mind and soul from this.

    After my loss, I had some pretty weird thoughts myself. We had bought a new house, and since I buried my wee one in my yard of the old house....when I moved, I wanted to go and dig that baby up and rebury her...how crazy is that?

    Time indeed healed my wounds...and when I was ready, I tried for another baby...and now I have my Isabel!

    I DO NOT think you are crazy, no not at all....you were ill and losing a baby. Be kind to yourself, love yourself. 

    Grieve the soul you made in your body but also marvel at your body's ability to bring a "healthy" child in the world. They say the majority of early losses..there is something not quite right with that baby. In the big picture it's a blessing, a bittersweet blessing.

     

    Thinking of you dear...let us know if you need anything....

     

    Mary

  • 06-19-2009 10:09 AM In reply to

    • midwifea
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 02-12-2009
    • Kailua Kona, HI
    • Posts 475

    Re: baby

    Cass,

    thinking of you and sending healing, strengthening, loving vibrations to you.  You are not psychotic, you are grieving.

    Keep writing,  Go outside and see the summer. Love yourself.

     

    Blessings,
    April
    moderator

    "The Voice

    There is a voice inside of you
    That whispers all day long,
    "I feel this is right for me,
    I know that this is wrong."
    No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
    Or wise man can decide
    What's right for you--just listen to
    The voice that speaks inside."
    — Shel Silverstein
  • 06-19-2009 8:33 PM In reply to

    • azores
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 01-30-2009
    • West Coast
    • Posts 121

    Re: baby

     I didnt expect it, but I should have known better! That if I wrote it out here on MT, you ladies would help heal me. Thank you for the kind words, encouragement and healing vibrations.

    Much Love.

     

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