in

Midwifery Today Community

A home for friends of birth
Attend the Midwifery Today conference in Australia

Still born at 31 weeks

Last post 06-07-2009 9:26 AM by midwifea. 7 replies.
Page 1 of 1 (8 items)
Sort Posts: Previous Next
  • 06-06-2009 2:27 AM

    Still born at 31 weeks

    hello all. my name is laura. may 26th we found out through ultrasound that our daughter at 31 weeks had passed. we dont know how yet. i had her on may 27th. it was a HUGE shock seeing how everything was going awesome. i had a perfect pregnancy all tests were great nothing wrong. we have been ttc for the last 5 years and through a bunch of fertility treatmeants we finally got pregnant with our daughter Isabella Rose. now comes the question i have for any of you that have gone through this or have known anyone to have gone through it. how long after this kind of thing did you wait to have sex again? how long did it take to get pregnant again? did you conceive naturally or did you have to go through fertility treatments all over again.  one more question.....how do you keep from thinking about what happened 24/7? it is all i think about is the day we found out she passed and the day we had her. i can't stop thinking about it. if i didnt have my husband i would probably go crazy.

     

    Living One Heartbeat At A Time

    Laura

    Living One Heartbeat At A Time,
    Laura
  • 06-06-2009 4:48 AM In reply to

    Re: Still born at 31 weeks

    Laura, I'm so sorry for your loss and that Isabella Rose was not able to stay with you longer. At the risk of sounding very trite but not meaning to, life is such a huge mystery and we only get to understand bits and parts of it.  There are grief support groups available where you can go to share your feelings and talk with other parents. The hospital should have information on where your local group meets. Perhaps when Isabella's autopsy report comes in, you will get some answers but it's quite possible that you won't or that the answers will be partial. As far as waiting to have sex again, it's up to y'all.  Each couple is different.  Some find that the grief is just so heavy and so difficult that they need a break and others find that sexual intimacy is what they need soon and of course, still others are some where in the middle.  The important thing is not to push each other away and to keep the lines of communication open.

    It is very difficult indeed to not think about Isabella Rose and all the whys and what ifs so very frequently.  It's something you need to go through and not "get over".  It's painful and it's miserable and it sucks big time (sorry to be so crude but sometimes that word does fit). But think of the joy she brought to your lives and how she taught you how to love unconditionally.  Did you ever think you could love someone without ever seeing them?  You certainly did when she was growing inside of you!  How wonderful you and your husband are that you could not only help create this little girl but you could love and care for her so much before laying hands on her.  I know your grief is real and it's palpable and it's so heavy.  If you can continue communicating with each other and with other parents--even if it's just here or another on another board--it will help ease some of the burden.  You will find a new normal eventually; I wish I could tell you the exact day and time.  You will feel better. You will laugh again and you will be able to see Isabella Rose for the enormous gift she was to you both no matter that she was only with you for such a short period of time.  The sadness and the anger are normal.  I found that the anger was so hard to deal with--why was Isabella "taken away" and you were made to feel so awful but other mothers who we perceive to be not as fit .. why do they get to keep their babies? And then you feel horrible for having those thoughts about those other mothers who are struggling in their own muck.  You see other families with their babies and you want to just scream about how unfair it all is.  All the hopes and dreams you had immediately crashed and burned.  Again, wallowing in those feelings for a while is OK and it's normal.

    Susan
    Moderator

    I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. --E.B. White
  • 06-06-2009 10:42 AM In reply to

    Re: Still born at 31 weeks

    Laura,

    So, sorry to read about your loss here .  Welcome to MTF and you enjoy your stay here.  Even though you came here with difficult circanmantces, spl.  Really don't know anyone whom has gone though this or at least not to my knowledge of course.

    Moved this last part of my response here to my latest response to you on this.

  • 06-06-2009 9:03 PM In reply to

    • midwifea
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 02-12-2009
    • Kailua Kona, HI
    • Posts 475

    Re: Still born at 31 weeks

    My Dearest Laura,

    All you can do is live one heartbeat at a time.  It is all that is expected of you now.  Isabella is there for you,,.ask her to give you strength, ask her to guide you.  One day you may find a few beats of your heart have passed and this unspeakable loss was not contained in those few beats.  Smile when this happens and know that your daughter will be happy for you  too.  When time for sexual closeness is right, you and your husband will know, then celebrate your choice to go forward while remembering your loss.

    Without knowing your fertility issues it is hard to comment on how you and your husband may conceive again.  First, heal physically, Many, many, many women conceive naturally and with ease after a conception aided by treatments.  When you are ready you can seek the counsel of your physician regarding conception or trust the divine.

    Susan,  (Brlbabies) has given sage advice in her post.  Do what you must to heal, give to yourself all that you would be giving to Isabella. 

    Your heart now holds an immense space for your daughter,  It needs to grow to accommodate this space and all that she has given you.  Growing pains are real.  Accept the pain, treat your pain like a baby, care for it, nurture it, coddle it, feed it.  One day it will change from a completely helpless infant pain to a toddler pain, then a child size pain  and then an adolescent pain and just like a child itself grows up and moves out of the house, your pain will move out of your heart and only pride and love will remain.  Pride and love in the knowing that you are Isabella Roses' mama.  She chose you for a reason.  Honor her and yourself.  Your journey is sacred and this journey is not given to the undeserving.  You have been highly chosen for this journey.

    I have not endured what you have and what you will, endure.  I cannot imagine your suffering. 

    I have though, been privileged to serve other women who have been on your same path. I am not worthy to be counted  amongst those of you who undertake this journey. Your place amongst women is of great importance.   I honor all of you. 

    I'm glad you have posted here and if in any moment or way someone here on this board can help you then all the years we have been writing to each other and sharing on this board will be worth it, if it serves you.

    My deepest and sincerest,

    Blessings,
    April
    moderator

    "The Voice

    There is a voice inside of you
    That whispers all day long,
    "I feel this is right for me,
    I know that this is wrong."
    No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
    Or wise man can decide
    What's right for you--just listen to
    The voice that speaks inside."
    — Shel Silverstein
  • 06-06-2009 11:22 PM In reply to

    Re: Still born at 31 weeks

     i am trying my hardest to be strong and live life and i know i will be ok in time. it is just so dang hard! everytime i think i am ok or i go a day without crying something or someone brings up the pain again. like today i went to a friends kids birthday party and everyone kept looking at me like i was going to go crazy, and they were all saying how sorry they were and offering help and all that. i know it was all with kindness but it only made it worse for me. i wanted to cry the whole time i was there. to make things even worse there was a girl there that i had met before who had just had a baby a month or so ago. she kept looking at me and i couldn't stop looking at her baby and wanting what she has. she also came over and started asking me questions about what had happened, then i did end up crying. we had to leave early because my husband saw how uncomfortable i was. on top of all that i am having what everyone refers to as phantom movements...like i feel a twitching feeling right where our daughter used to kick me all the time. it's not fair! i know i sound whiney and like a spoiled brat but i just need someone to vent to. i am trying to stay strong for my hubby also because i know it is hard for him too. he has been s0o0o amazing and wonderful. i would not have made it through the first day without him. our fertility issues are many. for instance....my husband has low sperm count and what he does have some aren't working as well, i dont have periods on my own without the doc giving me meds to force them, i have a tilted cervix or uterus i dont remember, and i dont ovulate. it took us almost 5 years to get our daughter. i am hoping it will come naturally and soon this time. my husband is in the military and they pay for all the fertility stuff (for artificial insemination...not for IVF though) and he is getting out in a year and a half but will be leaving in december or january for seven months to iraq so really we only have like 6-7 months to get pregnant before he leaves. i thank all of you ladies for your advice. i really appreciate it. it's nice to get it all out

    Living One Heartbeat At A Time,
    Laura
  • 06-07-2009 5:47 AM In reply to

    Re: Still born at 31 weeks

    Try not to be so hard on yourself.  You really don't have to be strong.  It's totally OK to cry and it's going to be difficult to be in public situations like the party you described.  And it's OK to avoid those kinds of situations for a while.  Eventually you'll be able to go to them without that heavy, heavy feeling.  The feeling of movement is normal.  Totally normal.  And you don't sound whiney. You sound like a grieving mother.  Although you feel pressure to conceive again because of the financial situation, take some time to think that through.  It may be the right thing to do for your situation but it may also be the wrong thing to do too soon.  You want to be able to totally embrace your next pregnancy and not still be in such overwhelming grief over Isabella.  You don't want the next baby to be carried in grief and worry.  Will you worry until you get ovr the hump and have that baby in your arms?  Of course!  That's normal.  But what you don't want is for this next baby to feel like a replacement or another Isabella because this next baby will be a totally different person. Grief takes time.  Everyone does it differently and in their own way.  You may be ready in a few months or you may not be.  If you can try to let your soul heal before asking another baby to come into your life, that may be a better thing to do.  When I read your post, I was almost breathless because it seemed like you had so many things that you want to do.  It was like, "But I've got to do this and this and this and then this is going to happen and then and then" ... The grief from Isabella's death and the pressure of your husband being in the military and his upcoming departure--all of that is so heavy.  If you can take some time to drop your shoulders and just breathe even when that may take a few months, it may be better.  But you and your husband know what's best for you.

    Perhaps on Monday morning you can call around and find where the grief support groups meet, you could try a meeting or two.  Give those time, too.  You may have to go to several of the same group's meetings or try a different group before you find one that you feel comfortable in. And just like getting for the next step and asking a child to come into your lives, you'll know when to move on from the group, too. Try finding out if The Compassionate Friends have meetings near you: www.compassionatefriends.org.

    So what one thing have you planned for today?  What are you going to do today?  garden? start a new chick novel? give the dog a bath? clip the cat's claws? What's on your agenda for today?

    Susan
    Moderator

    I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. --E.B. White
  • 06-07-2009 9:08 AM In reply to

    Re: Still born at 31 weeks

    Laura,

    Have moved this from my previous to you on here to this response.  Basically, I feel this is important as the other responses here and mine as well.

    Highly recommend that you check out MT site as well.  At the same time do recommend that you check Our Bodies, Ourselves, The Boston Women's Health Book Collective and their companion website/blog as well.  By the way they do have a Pregnancy and Childbirth and Menopause as well.  Found its really helpful no matter what.  At same time do recommend that you do additional learning and research besides the books and website I give you to give you.  For more info on this. 

    Hope my recommendations do help you.

    Good luck and etc.

  • 06-07-2009 9:26 AM In reply to

    • midwifea
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 02-12-2009
    • Kailua Kona, HI
    • Posts 475

    Re: Still born at 31 weeks

    Laura,

    you can vent here as often as you want or need.  Just give it one minute, one hour at a time before you go on to one day at a time.

    Think of one just one thing you would like to do today.  Give yourself just one thing.  Remember it has only been a couple weeks, you are still healing physically, your hormones are all over the place, your breasts are achey for a baby not there.  Be gentle on yourself.

    Blessings,
    April
    moderator

    "The Voice

    There is a voice inside of you
    That whispers all day long,
    "I feel this is right for me,
    I know that this is wrong."
    No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
    Or wise man can decide
    What's right for you--just listen to
    The voice that speaks inside."
    — Shel Silverstein
Page 1 of 1 (8 items)
Subscribe to Midwifery Today magazine
Contact UsTerms of UsePrivacy PolicyAbout Us
© 2014 Midwifery Today, Inc.