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Lost baby at 26 weeks

Last post 03-05-2009 5:43 PM by azores. 7 replies.
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  • 03-04-2009 6:34 PM

    • azores
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 01-29-2009
    • West Coast
    • Posts 121

    Lost baby at 26 weeks

    As some of you know, I grew up an orphan of sorts without many links to biological family. Last year my cousin found me, my mothers- sisters- daughter. She and I have grown close, we both have very similar pasts. My cousin was going through a very rough transition into adulthood and wound up in rehab and then a Psych ward for depression. After getting back on her feet, she wound up pregnant for the first time and fell even deeper in love with her fiance... a good guy, one she only knew for 2 months.

    The pregnancy completely changer her, she quit smoking, lost touch with all the "bad" people and began a new healthy lifestyle. She's constantly glowing with happiness, she and her fiance are a beautiful pair. However, yesterday her baby stopped moving after she felt what appeared to be a struggle.

    At the ER they confirmed her baby had died of strangulation via cord, though she's still pregnant.

    I really dont know what to do to make things better for her, having 3 children of my own...never having lost a baby that far in gestation, and it was her first. I cant help think she's going to come crashing down, becoming suicidal again...and killing the pain with her old ways.

    Is there anything you think might work to encourage her? She's getting induced right now, she's going to see her baby boy.

    The only thing I can manage to say is I love you and I'm sorry...I dont want to make things worse by being weak.

    Any advice is appreciated.

  • 03-04-2009 8:00 PM In reply to

    Re: Lost baby at 26 weeks

    Oh Cass, no words of can we make the hurt go away from that? Just a ~hug~ to you and your cousin. 




  • 03-04-2009 8:14 PM In reply to

    • midwifea
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 02-12-2009
    • Kailua Kona, HI
    • Posts 476

    Re: Lost baby at 26 weeks


    Encourage her to hold her baby and name him, to take foot and hand prints and photos.  Make sure they know the can request alone time with him and encourage them to do so.

    You are not weak, loving her and crying with her is the strongest thing you can do.  Ask her about her baby, she will appreciate it.  Prepare her for a hormone ride.  She will have some breast responses, maybe even engorgement, prepare her for that.  She may want to bind her breasts.   When she is strong enough encourage her to get some counseling.

    My heart goes out to her and to you, you are a good friend.


    "The Voice

    There is a voice inside of you
    That whispers all day long,
    "I feel this is right for me,
    I know that this is wrong."
    No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
    Or wise man can decide
    What's right for you--just listen to
    The voice that speaks inside."
    — Shel Silverstein
  • 03-05-2009 6:32 AM In reply to

    Re: Lost baby at 26 weeks

    That is so heart-breaking.  Acknowledge her loss and don't stop talking about her baby unless she asks you to... so many people are afraid to mention babies lost during pregnancy or as infants but for many people it just ends up feeling like people have forgotten.  Broken Heart

    I am a CPM in solo home birth practice
  • 03-05-2009 6:53 AM In reply to

    • RobsGirl
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 02-04-2009
    • Mid-Hudson Valley, NY
    • Posts 364

    Re: Lost baby at 26 weeks

    Gosh, that's so sad, I'm crying.  Broken Heart  All of the above would be great advice.  I've lost three (very early on, which is no comparison to this) and I wished people didn't avoid the topic of the baby with me.  I really wanted to talk about it.  But, like MotherNurtured says, if she doesn't want to talk about him, then don't.  Just be there for her.  You don't have to "say" the right thing.  Just being there, weeping and "being" with her will be a support for her.

    RobsGirl, 31
    Wife of one fabulous guy (34)
    Mommy of 3 awesome boys, ages 11, 8, and 4, and a precious 2 year old daughter.

  • 03-05-2009 7:18 AM In reply to

    Re: Lost baby at 26 weeks

     How terribly terribly sad :(

    As i read i shed a few tears, but i also thought, what a beautiful gift her son gave her.  In the few short weeks he got to live he changed her life completely.  Her love for him made her turn her life utterly around, she changed things some people never have the strength to for the sake of her little boy.  However unbearable hs loss is, his legacy speaks so acutely about love in this world, she is showing the world what being a mother means, sacrifice, caring, hard work, joy, pain. 

    Maybe you could write to her about this, so difficult words need not be spoken and cannot be misinterpreted.  There is nothing positive about a baby dying, nothing.  But maybe being reminded what a wonderful mother she is will be helpful and allow her the strength to continue the new life her son's too-short time with her gave her the strength to achieve.

    Much love and hugs to you both.


    Me 32, DH 41, DD 2006, DD 2010, DS 2013
  • 03-05-2009 5:43 PM In reply to

    • azores
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 01-29-2009
    • West Coast
    • Posts 121

    Re: Lost baby at 26 weeks

    Thank you for all the wonderful responses, worstfriend I relayed your beautiful message...really, I wouldnt have thought of that in a million years....what a mind!

    This morning at 9am she was at 1 cm after contracting all night, she was comfortable on pain that was good. She delivered her 1 pound baby around noon. They had a photographer come in, she held him, named him, then held a funeral immediately after...which I didnt know was possible.

    Baby looks like her...

    I have to get going. I have a million things to do before the sun sets....just wanted to thank you ladies, thank you ((((hugs))))



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